If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I didn't notice because vodka
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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