I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
