I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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