Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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