I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize