there's paper in my vomit.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
