I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
