Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
