I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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