Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
