I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
