who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
