My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
