i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
