i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
