highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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