how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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