If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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