i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize