dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize