So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
