Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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