tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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