Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
