I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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