Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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