Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
