Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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