You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
