WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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