It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
