Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
