don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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