do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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