I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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