Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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