Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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