We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
