So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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