Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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