Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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