I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
