we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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