I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
