I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
