Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
