i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
