I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Randomize
