I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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