I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
