I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
