My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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