I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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