Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
oh god was she eating orange peels again
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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