I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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