I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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