this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
