And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
