I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Is it penis luge time yet?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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