i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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