If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
