Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
