I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
