i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
