I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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