My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize