Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
