he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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