You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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